Tis the season.

Nothing says Merry Christmas like anonymously donating 30 pounds of candy corn to a toy/clothing drive.

The children are the bleak, bleak future.

Kid 1: What do you want for Christmas?

Kid 2: A German stripper!

Me: Is your sister here today?

Kid: No. She had some beer and didn't feel good today.

Me: You are telling me your sister drank beer last night and now is too sick to be at school today?

Kid: Yes.

Me: You know I don't believe you, right?

Kid: Here's what really happened. You know that ball she has?

Me: No.

Kid:Well, I accidentally threw it and hit her in the face. Her nose was bleeding.

Kid: I'm sad for you. You're never going to find love and never going to be happy.

Me: I think you are mistaking romance with fulfillment.

Kid: I know. That's why you're never going to be happy.

I constantly have to ask for people's names.

Me: Well it took a little longer because I forgot to turn on London St. so I had to go back around to drop off people.

Br. Mike: Your memory is terrible lately. Do we need to get you some ginseng or something?

I then explained how I tend to be somewhat absentminded... I think.

My new bff

Chuck: "I don't drink champagne. That's for women and kids."