Learning Curve

Lucy: "(Speaking to me in Spanish)"

Me: (interrupting) "Lucy, I don't speak Spanish."

Lucy: "(Continues speaking Spanish and ends with a question)?"

Me: "Lucy, I... I still don't speak Spanish."

Medical Advice

Br. Mike: You need to go outside.

Br. Ben: How long have you had this cold. 2 or 3 weeks?

Me: Only a little over a week.

Br. Mike: Seriously, go outside. I know you hate it but you need to be in the sun and burn away your sickness. It's God's medicine.

Morrissey Saves a Turkey (Sketches and Excerpts)

Turkey: Do you think it's possible for a man and a turkey to be in love?

Morrissey: How could you ask me that?

Turkey: Because you told me to! You kept insisting 'ask me! ask me! ask me!' Based on subtly in your phrasing I assumed that's what you wanted me to ask.

Morrissey: Turkey?!?

Turkey: What?

Morrissey: Yes, I think a man can love a turkey.

Morrissey Saves a Turkey (Sketches)

Turkey Sketch #1

Scene where turkey tries wearing disguises.

Morrissey: No one will recognize you now.

Turkey: I just feel foolish with this haircut.

Morrissey: Trust me. It looks good.

Morrissey fights Robot Space Ninjas

(Editor's note- drawing might be too believable- scare kids?)

Breakfast with the Brothers

Br: (to me) It's amazing their philosophical discipline in the pursuit of truth. Of course many of them died young because the topic weighs on you. So take it seriously just not too seriously.

85 year-old Brother: (to me) I like your sweater. I have one just like it.

Br 1: We thought of you often. What did you do last night?

Br 2: What do you think we did. We got roaring drunk and ran around.

Br 1: Next time I'll try thinking in Italian.

Br 2: Next time just try thinking.

After several sexual innuendos by the waitress.

Br: Well we're religious brothers.

Waitress: And I'm a nun.

More sexual innuendos by the waitress.

The waitress realizes that the Brothers are actually Brothers and educated her son.

Waitress: I am so sorry Brothers. I hope you're okay.

Br: Completely scandalized.

Music

Random Br.: The bassoon is played with two hands you ass!

The Brothers hate Black Friday

Highlights from Thanksgiving Breakfast

Br. Mike: All these Hermans camping out to shop at 3 in the morning.

Br. Ben: Eventually we'll stop celebrating holidays because we'll be too busy shopping.

Br. Ben: The paper is over four pounds and has 160 inserts. They were talking about it on the news.

Br. Mike: I have never bought a watch. At one point I had four watches. I just wore a different one every week. I didn't know what else to do with them.

Me: You had too much time on your hands?

Br. Mike: (pauses, smiles) Very good.

Br. Mike: (looking at ads) They sell everything. Are they selling babies? Look at this. 60% off babies.

Me: Brother... I think it's probably the baby clothes.

Br. Mike: Ah, yes. That makes more sense.

Death

Br. Mike: We would sing as we would process the body to the grave. Every Religious Order has their special ceremony. Nobody just throws the body and runs.

Music Award Show

Br. Ben: "I know this song. This is a remake. ...He's got to be sweating like a pig in that jacket."

-Bro Ben's response to Black Eyed Peas.

Br. Mike: "(to me) I guess this is your type of music here, Herman*."

-This is in reference to the nominees for Best Latin Pop Artist. I am still not sure if he was joking.

*Br. Mike often calls people Herman instead of their real name. Other Brothers when they taught would just call kids "you" if they didn't know their name in the classroom. Br. Mike started referring to kids as "Herman" because it was a proper name and at least it "gave them (the kids) some dignity." He still continues this practice.

Maybe the problem isn't the Education System

Kid 1: Your beard and mustache look better.

Me: Yeah. I guess they are filling in.

Kid 1: Can I have your mustache?

Kid 2: Can I have your beard!?!?

Kid: I have a nickname for Brian.

Me: Is it a nice nickname?

Kid: (silence) ... It' Brianna.

Kid 1: Can I have gum?

Me: On one condition- you stop counting to one every time I tell you to hold on for one second.

Kid 1: Deal

Kid 2: Can I have some gum?

Me: Sure.

Kid 1: Why doesn't she have a condition?

Me: She never gives me a hard time.

Kid 1: She hates you.

Me: But she's very polite about it.

I'm not sure how to respond.

I took a friend and his family to the airport today. When I returned home there was a box of tampons in my bathroom trash can. Florida is a mysterious place.

These things happen.

I like the peculiarity of existence. If previous moments are considered as what have led to the current then everything is far more entertaining.

1990- I tell my mom after my first day of first grade that it was "The greatest day of my life."

1994- Long division finally makes sense.

1995- Have a compelling existential experience which I am incapable of expressing properly until I am in college and have read Sartre.

1997- Almost get in my first fight. I drew on the back of kids neck with a marker.

2000- Write first song about a girl. Cliches read it and tell me it is crap.

2002- Qualify for nationals in Speech and Debate

2003- Finally am able to explain existential experience I had when I was little.

2008- Travel cross-country on a train. Jump on a train to kiss a girl good bye. Perhaps one of the boldest moments of my life.

2010- In a grocery store with a 63 year-old Mexican woman as she compares packages of ground beef while The National is playing on the in store radio.

This seems like a natural progression.

I thought it was funny

-A blind priest said, "Sorry I didn't see you there."

-A guy talking to the owner funeral parlors that needs a knee replacement.

FP Owner: I think I'll be able to get a new knee.

Guy: In your profession I would imagine you have a quite a selection of knees you could get.

Experience informs our Actions.

Br. Mike- I stopped by last night when I heard you get back in. I assumed after spending all day with those middle and high schoolers you could use a drink but I couldn't find you.

Me- I was in my room.

Br. Mike- Oh. Very good.

I'm learning so much

Guy talking about Chastity: "You don't put two cookies in an oven and then they make small cookies. That's not how it works."

Internal monologue: "That's not how it works? Everything my parents told me about cooking is a lie."

I still owe the library in Charleston $10.

I was sent to pick up some educational videos for the after school program and discovered in the children's/adolescents' section the Bonita Springs public library's collection of comic books. I picked up the original run of Iron Man and have to return it by Monday. Never did I consider I might ever have the thought, "I have so much Iron Man to read before the weekend is over if I don't want a late charge." I'm learning a lot about myself in Florida.

Creepy park bench statue or Creepiest park bench statue

A description of the Bench which is named "The Secret Bench of Knowledge."

-At first glance, it is a pair of children sit­ting on a bench; he is eating a bright red apple and whispering some thing in her ear; she is squirming, ever so slightly, perhaps at his words, perhaps because he is too close, or perhaps she just doesn’t like to sit still. The tourist brochures will tell you that the sculpture bears a message of the joy and value of reading.

The boy is holding an apple that has a bite missing. Clearly this is a reference to Adam and Eve and the tree of knowledge. The sculptor is making the claim that the apple was good because it brought forth reason and discovery. First, too bad the Gnostics beat you to that claim thousands of years ago. Second, surely there was a less creepy version you could have created.

The original owners of the bench wanted to rid themselves of the monstrosity because in short it creeped them out. The worst part- Bonita Springs raised $57,000 to buy the thing. That's right- the place I am living spent $57,000 on a park bench while a shelter to help the poor has been repeatedly shot down because it might be an eyesore at the proposed location.

Terrifying.

Simply Terrifying.

To lighten the mood, here are some pictures of the Florida sky.

Br. Mike: Well you see people used to keep them as pets and then would just let them go into the everglades when they got too big.

Me: People would just let pythons go into the wild?

Br. Mike: Eventually, the state put out a hunting mandate because the pythons would eat cats and dogs and attacked a couple of children. Never killed a kid but attacked them.

In the past week I have found out that Florida has a problem with pythons and wild dogs in domestic areas. What is wrong with this state?

I'm not sure that makes it okay.

Br. Ben: (addressing small child) What happened to your hair?

Guy: He was scalped....

My internal monologue: Please don't finish that thought. Please don't finish that thought. You must stop there.

Guy: ...probably by....

My internal monologue: He's going to say it. Please don't say it. Please realize it's inappropriate. I'm certain you mean no harm by the words but know you shouldn't say it. There are absolutely no words you can say to redeem what you've started.

Guy: ...some redskins.

Me:

Guy: (sees my expression)... I mean Native Americans.

Me: