It's like wheaties... except you can't drive afterwards.

Br. Mike: We have alcohol in the closet.

Me: ... I think I'll just have breakfast.

Br. Mike: Suit yourself, brother.

He later explained how he had replenished the scotch normally kept in the closet.

Stranger Danger

A co-worker was telling me a story about his childhood and a teacher he had.

CW: She had pictures of Jesus... now that I think about it... she had pictures of Jesus but they were the ones where he's kind of... (looks around and whispers) sexy... like hot!

Today we had a stranger danger class. I realized during the section where the presenter spoke of strangers tampering with food that I had forgotten some items I had picked up at the store and left them in the fridge. What items you ask? Apples and razor blades.

No hablo ingles?

A woman that volunteers with us is trying to learn english but is doing so with the least amount of effort possible which often leads to humorous moments... for me. I present examples. We'll call her L.

Example 1:

L: "I took a shit."

Me: "hehehe."

L: "What?"

Me: "What did you take?"

L: "A shit. A shit."

Me: (trying really hard not to laugh) "Point to what you are talking about (this is actually a terrible idea because what if she wasn't just mispronouncing a word)... Oh, a sheet. It's called a sheet. SHEEEEET."

L: "Yes. SHeEEeeeT."

Example 2

L: (talking to child) "Who's a sexy baby? You're a sexy baby."

Me: "L, you don't call babies sexy. Babies aren't sexy. That's not the word you mean."

L: (with indignation and defiance) "Sexy. Baby."

Example 3

L: "I don't know why I'm so smfd."

Chuck: "You don't know why you're so fat? I'll tell you why. Because you take home two grocery bags of those damn sweets every week. You need to learn to say no. You don't always have to do something. It's called control."

L: "Why you call me fat?"

Chuck: "You said you didn't know why you were fat and I'm telling you."

Me: "I think she said sad."

L: "Yes. Sad."

Chuck: "Oh... I misunderstood you. I'm sorry."

This might seem mean on Chuck's part but his intention wasn't to be mean. Have you ever had someone complain about the same thing over and over again and never really seem to do anything about it? His apology was quite sincere.

Their is a fine line between history and mythology...

Kid 1: I got an Abraham Lincoln toy!

Kid 2: That's a leprechaun.

Kid 1: I got a leprechaun toy!

And this is my Sunday

It's 70 degrees outside and sunny right now. I went to take out recycling and two of my Guatemalan neighbors are wearing sweatshirts with hoods on because they are cold while they argue in Spanish with November Rain playing on their radio. Sometimes there are no words to describe my love of Bonita Springs.

Homeward bound... I wish I was?

Br. Ben: There was a woman named Erica in the paper today from Greenville, SC.

Me: Cool. What did she do?

Br. Ben: She was arrested for prostitution on Craigslist.

Me: My state has terrible P.R.

We go dri-dri-dri-drivin'

On the way to Mass this morning, Br. Mike and I were behind a woman that seemed to be having some difficulty driving.

Br. Mike: Lady, what are you doing?

(woman breaks suddenly)

Br. Mike: What is wrong with you? Where are you going!?!

(woman breaks then turns into parking lot while driving over a curb)

Br. Mike: Sweet-Mother-of-God!-Jesus-Have-Mercy-on-Sinners!