No hablo ingles?

A woman that volunteers with us is trying to learn english but is doing so with the least amount of effort possible which often leads to humorous moments... for me. I present examples. We'll call her L.

Example 1:

L: "I took a shit."

Me: "hehehe."

L: "What?"

Me: "What did you take?"

L: "A shit. A shit."

Me: (trying really hard not to laugh) "Point to what you are talking about (this is actually a terrible idea because what if she wasn't just mispronouncing a word)... Oh, a sheet. It's called a sheet. SHEEEEET."

L: "Yes. SHeEEeeeT."

Example 2

L: (talking to child) "Who's a sexy baby? You're a sexy baby."

Me: "L, you don't call babies sexy. Babies aren't sexy. That's not the word you mean."

L: (with indignation and defiance) "Sexy. Baby."

Example 3

L: "I don't know why I'm so smfd."

Chuck: "You don't know why you're so fat? I'll tell you why. Because you take home two grocery bags of those damn sweets every week. You need to learn to say no. You don't always have to do something. It's called control."

L: "Why you call me fat?"

Chuck: "You said you didn't know why you were fat and I'm telling you."

Me: "I think she said sad."

L: "Yes. Sad."

Chuck: "Oh... I misunderstood you. I'm sorry."

This might seem mean on Chuck's part but his intention wasn't to be mean. Have you ever had someone complain about the same thing over and over again and never really seem to do anything about it? His apology was quite sincere.

Their is a fine line between history and mythology...

Kid 1: I got an Abraham Lincoln toy!

Kid 2: That's a leprechaun.

Kid 1: I got a leprechaun toy!

And this is my Sunday

It's 70 degrees outside and sunny right now. I went to take out recycling and two of my Guatemalan neighbors are wearing sweatshirts with hoods on because they are cold while they argue in Spanish with November Rain playing on their radio. Sometimes there are no words to describe my love of Bonita Springs.

Homeward bound... I wish I was?

Br. Ben: There was a woman named Erica in the paper today from Greenville, SC.

Me: Cool. What did she do?

Br. Ben: She was arrested for prostitution on Craigslist.

Me: My state has terrible P.R.

We go dri-dri-dri-drivin'

On the way to Mass this morning, Br. Mike and I were behind a woman that seemed to be having some difficulty driving.

Br. Mike: Lady, what are you doing?

(woman breaks suddenly)

Br. Mike: What is wrong with you? Where are you going!?!

(woman breaks then turns into parking lot while driving over a curb)

Br. Mike: Sweet-Mother-of-God!-Jesus-Have-Mercy-on-Sinners!

The kids are kind of clever... and sometimes not.

Me: Alright, I wrote down all of the even numbers. I want you to copy the numbers five times. Okay?

Kid: Okay.

Me: (look away and helping other kid. Turning back) So let's see what you've done... what have you done?

Kid: I wrote the number and now I'm drawing. This is your big, hairy foot.

Me: Dude, I asked you to write the series of numbers five time. You just wrote the numbers once and not even how I asked you to. Let's write them again, alright?

Kid: I can't.

Me: Why not?

Kid: Your foot's in the way. (points to drawing)

Kid: Can you turn up the bo-lou-may?

Me: I have no idea what you are asking.

Kid: The radio. The bo-lou-may.

Me: The volume?

Kid: Yes!

Me: So why did you spit on her?

Kid: She started it!

Me: You are twice her age and four times her size.

Kid: She should know better!

Me: I go back to the fact you are twice her age. Shouldn't you know better?

Kid: ... yeah, but she did it first!