The Mystery of the Wet Pants

Last night I went to take out some recycling and found my neighbor intoxicated, urinating on his house with the back of his pants soaked. Some mysteries aren't worth solving. This mystery being why?

It's nice to know I'm in good company.

Br. Mike: What happened?

Josh: There was a woman that was making inappropriate advances.

Br. Mike: (silently considering) ...Jesus had the same problem. I wouldn't worry about it.

Don't call him a hero. (Or the downfall of constant news coverage)

He finally asked what so many have been so afraid to speak out loud.

Warcraft Fan Schools game's maker.

Highlight of article

-Either way, he's gotten props from gamers for having the nerve -- and the know-how -- to verbally spar with Blizzard. I might have missed the verbal sparring because it seems the kid pointed out a mistake. This isn't exactly the Lincoln-Douglas debates. This would be like me calling out George Lucas on Han Solo shooting first.

Me- George, remember how Han Solo shot first?

George- No, he didn't.

Me- Yeah he did. Watch the movie.

George- Oh my bad.

(some theorize a conversation similar to this is actually responsible for the re-releases and the "digital enhancements" in the late 90's)

-"Good for him! It probably took a lot to get himself up to that microphone and to speak in a clear voice like that," said commenter Diamond Drogg. And he did all of this while standing?!? Surely he must be some kind of wizard!

-Youtube commenter 7lip agrees. A valid source indeed- the youtube commentators. A collective of individuals known for their intelligent analysis and only slightly blatant sexism, homophobia, and racism.

Other potential titles for the article.

-Man gains respect of thousands of Warcraft fans. Ladies still manage to show restraint.

-Lonely? Not this Lonely.

-Blogger keeps job one more day by posting least historically significant article ever written. Record setting still counts as news.

- Western Civilization continues its dedication to excellence.

So you lift the knee, do a little hop, and then lift the other knee? That is simple!

You ever have those days where you youtube.com the running man to illustrate how funny that would be if you did it in the background of any situation and you just end up watching clips from the movie the running man starring Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger?

Living in community is like being a child again

Br. Mike: Be sure to put on a hat when you ride your bike. You got a little sun on your face. Looked like you might burst into flames.

During this time I was kicking rocks with my shoulders slumped saying, "None of the other guys' Brothers make them wear hats."

Though hoped Brother did not responded with, "Well I'm not the other guys' Brother."

Booked my Flight for Christmas

Me: "So the flight will cost about 71 dollars."

Brother Mike: "71 dollars each way. That must be a small plane."

Me: "No, it's 71 dollars total."

Brother Mike: "Total? They probably have you sitting on a wing or something. My God... probably make you dust crops on the way up."

Once upon a time in Florida.

So I have to tell people often why I am volunteering in Florida. The first few times I told the story it allowed me to open up to people and all that stuff. Now I think I've shared enough. New strategy- See if I can recreate famous movies/stories as my personal narrative.

Josh Wars

Stranger: Why are you volunteering?

Josh: Well I was raised by my aunt and uncle and my uncle bought and sold robots.

Stranger: Robots?

Josh: Uhhh... computers. Anyway, so we got some robo... computers and they were owned by this guy that lived in the area. Long story short, my aunt and uncle were murdered and the guy taught me the for... about religion and now I volunteer.

Stranger: That's quite the story.

Josh: It becomes less interesting when I am captured by hairy midgets that are essential in defeating the empire.

Joshy Potter

Stranger: So what brings you to these parts?

Josh: See this scar on my forehead. My mom protected me when I was little from this guy and was killed and now I have this scar. So my parents are dead and I live with my aunt and uncle that neglect me. Also, The guy that killed my parent wants to kill me so I am in Florida to train up so that I can defeat him. By defeat I mean kill... also I've wanted to kill the guy since I was like 13. Also, all the father figures I have had have been killed and I seem to blame myself.

Stranger: That's pretty messed up.

Josh: I know. Think that is messed up? Imagine if it was a series of books aimed at kids.

(Fun Fact- I actually have a scar on my forehead. A bed frame gave me the business when I was a kid so I got a running start and then head butted it. Taught that bed some humility.)

SpiderJosh

Stranger: Why are you in Florida?

Josh: I was bitten by a radioactive spider.

Stranger: You aren't even trying anymore, are you?

Josh: Not at all.

Things I enjoy about Florida

- The sky is always epic (not in the "epic" meaning cool way but epic as in Wagner epic- large and overwhelming to the senses). The lack of hills allows one to see for miles and there are always clouds.

- I have met a lot of people from various demographics. No matter background, income, or faith some people are wonderful people and others are terrible. This seems like important information.

- There is something nice about the demystification of human relationships. Honesty allows for a greater understanding of truth and more completely reveals higher concepts such as love and beauty.

- There have been two incidental references to Sandman by Neil Gaimon. 1) Once Brother Mike accidentally woke me up from a nap and apologized for distrurbing Morpheus (this was a reference to Greek mythology but I immediately thought of Sandman). 2) The kids play a game of words on the bus. The point is to name an animal or thing that can beat the other person's. This goes back and forth until a person concedes or can not think of a superior alternative. This game was played by the Sandman in Hell with a lesser demon. One of my favorite parts of the series.

- I listen to music a lot.

- I miss my friends and family. This might not seem like something one enjoys but I can't really think of a time previous to this when I have actually missed anyone. I have disliked places and have wanted to leave. I have wanted comfort in what is familiar. I can't remember missing people and being happy/content in my current location. It's new and that makes it sort of exciting.

- I am reading a book called Transcending All Understanding and the Star Wars graphic novels. Both have rich insight into the human condition and the importance of stories and the lives we construct. Also, one has lightsabers. It's difficult not to enjoy that.

Francis

So I think I might try to adopt a feral kitten that lives outside in the bushes in front of my house. I've named him Francis. Not after the Saint but after Black Francis of the Pixies because the cat is all black and hates Kim Deal. I felt an immediate affection for it. I imagine this is how parents feel when they first see their kids... hypothetically... if babies were homeless. Crazy homeless babies.

It's like all my dreams are coming true.

I think I found my Old Best Friend. There have been candidates but none that really shined. The new guy shines like Kanye.

The Facts

- In his 70's

- Talks trash... constantly

- Had the following conversation.

"You haven't been right since Woodstock. (looks at me) If he heard there was something for free he would just hop in line. His mind has been a mess since."

"I was 12 when Woodstock happened."

"(shakes head) ...Tragic."

- Plays bingo

- Is basically the Fonz of Southwest Florida.

Sometimes it is better just to check the Catechism

Kid: So what happens if you don't call a priest "Father?"

Me: You'll probably go to Hell.

Kid: (Yelling across the room to the guy in charge) Mr. Josh told me I'm going to Hell!

Me: (Yelling across the room to the guy in charge) I stand by my words!

Still having troubles with the transition to working with Elementary school students.

Journalistic Integrity

"Eighty year-old man happy to be known by family, friends as 'Happy Hooker.'"

This is an actual headline taken from the Naples Daily News. I don't know who is in charge of editing the paper but this was definitely done on purpose.

On Bread (the non-eternal one)

Br. Ben: That roll is rolling away.

Me: I guess it's living up to its name.

(several minutes pass)

Br. Ben: Ha! I just got that.

Apparently terrible puns were all I needed to connect with the Brothers.

Reconsider procreation

Some of the conversations and statements from the after school program/tutoring.

Kid- "Are you trying to grow a mustache?"

Me- "No."

Kid- "When you don't shave you look like you are trying to grow a mustache."

"You look bad. You should shave."

"Why do you wear so many blue shirts?"

"Your music in really bad."

Kid- "Sitting is boring."

Me- "Read a book."

Kid- "Reading a book is only less boring."

Kid- "I threw the pencil. Not her."

Me- "So when you were sitting three feet away and I saw her throw the pencil- that was you?"

Kid- "... yes?"

Kid- "Are you wearing the same pants that you wore yesterday."

Me- "Yes. They are jeans."

Kid- "You should change your pants more."

"She cried because of you. She's going to hate you forever."

"Do you even know how to do math?"

Me- "You added all these problems. The directions say to subtract."

Kid- "BUT I DON'T WANT TO SUBTRACT!"

Me- "You didn't listen so you are going to have to sit out for 5 minutes."

Kid- "I thought you said 3?"

Me- "No. Five minutes."

Kid- "Okay. I'm going to count. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, (minutes pass) 98, 99, 100. How many minutes has it been."

Me- "It has been two minutes."

Kid- "Oh... 1, 2, 3..."

"You look bad is glasses."

"You have four eyes."

"Wear contacts. You'll look better."

"You look weird without glasses. You should wear your glasses."

Tree and knowledge and such

My senior year of high school I once objected in a National Art Honor Society meeting on the grounds of "this is arts and crafts, not art." I was obnoxious in high school but time teaches us humility. I made a tree.

I was afraid of posting rules like this. I thought the kids would interpret the falling leaves with rules written on them as a declaration of the death of authority and assume the decorations were a social commentary focusing on the death of custom and the end of values such as "nice words", "be kind", and "remember manners." Or that's what I thought until I found out most of the kids didn't know the difference between before and after.

It happens to the best of us.

"I didn't think you would be back so soon. I thought I would have time to iron," said the pantsless man in my living room.